After a two-months break I’m finally back from my hiatus! I will be able to post regularly again, with the usual 1-2 blog posts per week. In case you’re interested, I write more about the reason for the long hiatus below (a Lenormand reading even plays a small role, too). But in short: I have been mentally and emotionally totally preoccupied with a new (and very different type of) project. Things have calmed down now, though, so I’m back!
So, the man I split up with in spring is a biker. And one of the things I missed most terribly after the break-up was going on rides with him. I used to love those weightless, timeless hours on his racing bike, flying through open space – a sense of freedom and lightness I’ve not experienced in any other way. I started wondering whether maybe I should learn to ride a motorbike myself. And I drew cards, representing me and motorbike riding. Here are the cards I drew – and I really did draw all three of them by chance:
As so often happens when I really, really need emotional support from the cards, the cards I drew were extremely in-my-face affirmative. It was ridiculous, almost, in its obviousness, right down to the detail of the (spinning) wheel in the Woman card! The cards were saying, very loudly: yes, that feeling of lightness and ease and freedom you used to have with your ex on his bike, you could have without him, too, on your own bike. Just give it a try, start playing with it!
And that’s what I did. I took the number of driving lessons required in Austria for driving light-weight motorbikes without an extra driving test. And then I actually got myself a small motorbike, a 125ccm Honda! So that’s why I’ve been on hiatus. Learning to ride a motorbike was a very emotional journey for me especially in the beginning, but it is often trying even now. It continuously confronts me with two of my biggest fears: the fear of harming others, and the fear of failure. It goes against my grain to do something that could kill someone else if I make a mistake, and it’s very hard for me to keep doing something when I don’t become good at it rather quickly (not good at it yet, yes, but also I’m definitely not very talented at this, I might become skillful at some point but never truly deft). In the first month of learning to ride I hardly slept because my mind wouldn’t stop replaying incidences I didn’t handle well, and I even lost weight because I was too stressed to eat. There was no room mentally and emotionally for anything else.
That has started to change; I’ve begun to relax, and enjoy the rides. Sometimes, admittedly for very short amounts of time, I’m now getting a bit of that sense of weightless, timeless space. With the increasing relaxation I have been able to take up my other projects again, including this blog. I thank you for your patience, and for sticking with me!
And if you’re ever in Austria and espy a smallish red Honda on the road with a driver whose long braid is fluttering behind her in the wind – you might want to take a different direction quickly…